Jesus loves me, old people told me so.

In my first trip to the east coast, only a few things stuck in my eight-year-old, homesick, goatsick mind:

  1. a) The donkey I met and fell hopelessly in love with at a motel made of train cars. (Unfortunately none of the winsome, red cabooses were big enough for our family, so we stayed in a boxcar with a microwave that spoke to you. I had never encountered such a modern piece of equipment before.)

  2. b) Meeting Marie.

Marie was born what seemed like a century before me. She had seen both World Wars and thousands of days packed with life. What I remember about her is white—white hair, white skin, white sheets, white curtains, white walls. White future with light coming in and her getting sucked out of her bed and everything being almost uncomfortably bright. That’s how I imagined death for her, and I did imagine it, nervously, grimly standing among my siblings.

Shortly after getting home, I started writing cards to Marie. These mostly involved hieroglyphics detailing my excitement about various livestock gestation cycles and the resigned broken state of my heart when one of my rabbits devoured its own young.

I don’t know if she ever really received these epistles in her care home. If she had, I am certain my important matters were conveyed in such a way that only my well-studied mother could have caught my drift. But if Marie had perused one, she stopped a while later when I received a packet of my own scrawls from the last 6 months marked with “DECEASED. RETURN TO SENDER.”

My childhood went on to involve a high level of interaction with elderly people, not just with important individuals who spoke into my life, but with general exposure to feeding tubes and what strokes did to you and uninvited petting of the hair by someone who thought you were their daughter. This was mostly thanks to parents who were decidedly unorthodox, bringing six kids and music, dancing, a habitually dying van, books, and organized Christmas and worship services along in life. Also, thanks to grandparents who won others by their winsome faithfulness or aggressive storytelling charisma with a habit of making a community out of wayward chickens.

A couple years ago now, I left for Ukraine for several months and came back to my home-house sold (as you well know if you’ve been around my usual harping on these matters). I moved into the city—first into a bedroom generously lent me by my brother, then into my parents walk-in closet, and then into an apartment with enough houseplants and wall paraphernalia to constantly suppress the angst of undone dishes. This month, lease is up and I’ll be moving to a new corner in a new place.

I applied to an assisted living/memory care a month after settling back in America and, almost without realizing it, got a job as a dietary aide. My family had been involved in the facility for years before moving 30 miles closer, organizing worship and Christmas services with many stout hearts in our church. My first solo day happened to be Christmas Eve and my food serving comrade was an American Ukrainian.

During a very sick and unsettled period, I got to show up almost every day and pour coffee, wash dishes, hear what it was like to survive Montana winters in the 40’s, and listen to stories about Yale. The life routines, simple, measurable tasks, and kind, familiar people were perfect for that angsty, hopeless wandering period.

Later I learned how to make jello from a box instead of scratch and cream puffs from scratch instead of a box. Getting to work as a prep-cook—carrying 40 lbs of cookie dough around and making grilled cheese exactly to residents’ specifications, turning around at the end of the night to find that the cook had already scrubbed the grill, all these magical, comforting things—made wearing through at least one pair of black shoes a month a simple, peaceful, fulfilled exhaustion.

I went into an interview on the way to work one morning thinking I was applying for a server job at a new memory care. It turned out I was hired as a caregiver. I remember my first day alone with our first resident. I’d been at my publishing company job in the morning, then as a prep-cook in the middle of the day, then a med-tech (yeah, didn’t GET to stay a caregiver long) at the new place.

Our first resident.

She was the greatest of jewels—wheelchair bound, pleasant during the day, prone to lamenting depression at night. In the dementia that had crept up on her, she was constantly looping back in her conversations as she worked hard to make you feel more at ease. To her, you were always the stranger that needed to be consoled.

For two months I had the privilege of being asked every hour or so, “Did you grow up in the country or the city?” Followed by the delight in her eyes and, “Well, did you have animals?” And then her “I had a pony named Bonny. That’s why my legs are bowed. I lived on that pony.”

This beautiful woman could not remember the thrill of my soul when I told her about growing up in the country and my various odd animals. And so she asked me again and I could sit and be homesick and toss plastic balls at plastic rolling pins and make the same jokes about our incompetent sportsmanship.

At night she would get so blue and, since we didn’t open our doors to other residents for weeks, we would sit together and make remarks on weird hairdos on America’s Got Talent and how we could never imagine signing up to stand in front of anyone.

While she got ready for bed she would always ask, “How many kids you got?” And we would discuss whether pet fish were enough company for the human soul. Then she would tell me about how she met her husband at a picnic and about her three boys and about how she thought they were all married, but she wasn’t sure and she could check, and it wouldn’t hurt for me to go on more picnics.

Before laying down she would recite all her sons’ names, because she knew she was forgetting everything. That’s why she constantly recommended I not get old, “because everybody leaves you and then you start leaving yourself.” And we would try talk about anything while she suffered herself to be dressed and washed and toileted by someone she thought she’d never met.

She was a sunshine woman. A simple, obedient, faithful woman who fell asleep in her chair reading the same page of a devotional everyday and whose tired eyes lit up if you hummed a stanza from Amazing Grace while you had to poke and prod and force her to take her pills.

Eventually she developed pneumonia. One of the last days I saw her, when I was standing in the med room reading new orders telling me only comfort measures were now in place, her grandson stopped outside the door. He was in cowboy boots, red eyes set in his bristly face and said he noticed my tire was flat and could he fix it for me. And then one of her sons, the names she remembered, came and thanked us for taking care of their mom and I tried to say, “It’s been the greatest of honors and joys.” But I think all I said is, “I’ll call my dad about the tire.” #classic

I developed my own general health fiasco at the time and didn’t get to go back until our sunshine woman had already gone. She waited until no one was in the room, because she was quiet and kind and didn’t want to inconvenience anyone, and slipped bravely home.

The human ability to forget may be a grand mercy, but losing your mind is not. There is nothing beautiful about the various forms of dementia. It is objectively unright, counter-life. A once-compassionate person slides into constantly hitting and pulling and walking on others, a 90-year-old woman paces for eight hours trying to take doors off their hinges while wailing a Hail Mary, a husband spends the entire night crying that he doesn’t know what he did wrong to make his wife stop loving and living with him—no one–afflicted, family, or caregiver, should ever be subjected to these moments.

And what seems like torture—the moments the afflicted person is lucid and realizes their own decay and transformation. When they have their own pain and frustration when they realize the pain and frustration they are causing in others. This can take you to pieces you are certain will stay permanently apart.

Such anguish can only be a result of an unnatural cosmic decay.

While dealing with the families is one of the most difficult and frustrating things I’ve ever encountered, many of them convicted me to tears. To love someone who has gone from a person you knew and trusted, who knew and trusted you—where there were mutual obligations and expectations—to loving them in the same way when they have become someone else entirely, often hostile and pleading and painful in their interaction—this is beautiful.

The people I have met in elderly care (yes, there are plenty of rotten, dirty ones among them) have given me things I can’t imagine receiving in any other way.

Another resident who I also only knew for about a month had come from a foreign place, a culture incredibly godless that I already loved because of one of my best friends. He’d become a Christian in his early days and, unlike the stereotype of his nation, was outgoing and energetic and abundant with his overflowing and catching love of Jesus.

Every day we had the same conversation about why he had to stay with us, where his room was, how he couldn’t practice in his profession anymore. Every day there were tears of grief and frustration and then embarrassment for his emotions and anxiety. And every day there was also:

“Do you know Jesus?”

“You do?”

“Sister, do you go to church? Do you read the Bible? Do you love Him?”

And he would remember just long enough to tell another resident or visitor or family member, “I’ve found a sister.”

He would pray so loudly in his first language that the atheist across the hall would pull her emergency cord. And then forget she had and pull it again.

This earnest man, wasting away, would sit on the edge of his bed at night and cry into his hands and then quiet himself while you read him the Bible or prayed with him, without even realizing what he was doing. Even after spending days in despair and fear, it was like his faith and his heart had muscle memory. We are so much more than minds.

God brought this starving and fearful man into my life right when I didn’t feel like ever going to church again, when love seemed like a stupid word, and when being connected to fellow believers seemed more like a recipe for pain than rejoicing. Although I could tell he was repeatedly losing the context of what or why we were praying the instant I said “amen” he would go straight into praying for me in return. Many of his petitions had to do with dogs I’d never owned or places I’d never been, but he always begged “give this friend you have given me in a dark place a soul and eyes that are only for you, Jesus.”

Near the end of my time at the memory care, he also went to be with his Savior. God released him of an affliction and confusion he could not physically and mentally bear.

I went to his memorial and heard the gospel all over again. And then his neighbor mentioned a story that also involved my own grandfather who turned out to be this little man’s neighbor once upon a time. It was the week of my grandpa’s anniversary of passing, his life a crazy story in itself and one that had ended a decade earlier.

Even though this little man never remembered my name no matter how many slips of paper he wrote it on, he and his family had constantly welcomed me with a version of open arms a reserved, fearful person like myself could understand. Here, again, while his wife hugged me and asked me how I was doing, God was orchestrating ways I couldn’t avoid His embrace. Breadcrumbs everywhere of His care in my little life right in the middle of these other bigger dramas.

After working as dietary aide, food server, cook, caregiver, med-tech, and activities director over three different facilities, my only current interaction with elderly care is food serving part-time in an upper-crust continued care community home. It’s a fancy dinner restaurant. Our managers are the best in the world. The residents generally seem to be Cambridge grads whose wine bottles they entrust to me are sometimes of more lasting value than Alfred (my Honda).

If you’ve worked in any situation that sees physical and mental deterioration, you’ve probably sat in a break-room (if you had time for a break at all) and listened to staff swear off ever being in those weak places.

“If I get dementia, somebody needs to let me go skydiving without a parachute.”

“I’m not getting old, I’m going out with a bang.”

“If I live past 70, I want to be like so-and-so and if I’m like the other so-and-so, please shoot me.”

They may be our way of coping and are certainly the natural reaction after getting threatened with a knife or spending an hour cleaning up a dirty bathroom floor or administering morphine to a sunken-eyed, unresponsive body.

Once, I had just grabbed everything to go home, but I was still shaking from an earlier incident with an Alzheimer’s resident. I thought there was no way I was coming back for my next shift in eight hours. I walked past a wheelchair-bound man we shall call Bob.

Bob was the epitome of a gentleman. Except when he was not, and those had been my hardest moments on any shift.

Sometimes Bob was frustrated because he couldn’t do music like he used to. Somehow, however, he could remember all the words to hymns I’d play on our cheap, Craigslist piano. He could also tell me if I was sharp or flat. But like most of the people I was working with everyday, he didn’t have any idea who I was one moment to the next.

I said, in a sobby, pathetic girl voice, “Goodbye, Bob.”

And he said, “Hello Bethany.”

I came back the next shift, of course, and he told me, while I repeatedly asked him to let me have his sock, “I’m comfortable around you. You are like one of us.”

*moment of terror regarding my tendencies, but still one of the best things someone has ever said to me.*

No, dementia is not beautiful. Getting old in general is not beautiful. But life is beautiful. Life.

And maybe Life is not what I think it is—always a green tree.

Somehow, it has often been people whose lives are ending who have given pieces of life away to me. Sometimes these are people that many think have already ended in terms of “quality of life.”

It’s weird to go to work in a field where you thought you’d be a servant, only to find that it’s those you hoped to serve who are continuously giving themselves away.

We are in a complicated place now with advance directives and medical advancements. I feel like families are almost being forced into a position of choosing life or death in a way I only want to push on God.

I’ve only actively worked in elderly care communities for two years. There are hundreds of wretched and horrible problems with them. And I’ve never had to persevere or accumulate the experience many others have done so well.

But I know that every moment, every turn, somehow God was providing me a home, a word, a connection with people that had suffered more, done more, lived more—people I never deserved to know. And He chose to do it through these people I considered weak. (Of course, this has been the pattern my entire life, not just in elderly care.)

What a mercy it is, that at the end of everything, God begins to remind us again that all we need is Him. Like babies, we are forced to give up our independence, although it’s harder now we’ve started thinking we could be our own gods.

We are given more time to prepare our hearts, quiet our minds, take naps, bemoan our lack of taste-buds, remember the amazing meals we have eaten in our life, and look forward to eating the best thing we can imagine with Him.

We are cornered into realizing that the only thing we can give another is the perspective of our faith, the tried-ness of our hope, and, greatest of all, Love. It was never money or  vacations or big houses. Those things will end as we run out of life.

Bob can sit across from me and listen to me whine and tell me, “it will not always be like this.”

You will not always be in a cycle of financial desperation.

You will not always feel like a hopeless wanderer.

You will not always fall apart with anxiety.

You will not always wallow in selfishness.

You will not always struggle against that sin.

And, also, you will not always get to see that person everyday. To forgive them or to ask forgiveness or to simply sit in reverie at the way they turn book pages.

Life is given. Life, as we know it, is finite. Life has a happy ending. And, like His life, it is for giving away.

Carelessly, whole-heartedly.

Weakness or the simple ugliness of decay tells that story more potently than most of us understand…until even people like me cannot ignore it.

Matters

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“I discovered…that writing of the small things of the day, the trivial matters of the heart…was the only kind of creative work which I could accomplish with any sincerity or grace.” – E. B. White

And this.

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Comrade, I Salute You.

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Once upon a time there were three little girls. Just kidding, they were not little (except for maybe one in her heart). In various moments of recent history, they had all graduated from diverse homeschool educations in diverse countries (basically).

They met up in a neutral zone. In an attic in Poland eating pierogi. (One did not eat pierogi because she is stomachly handicapped.)

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From then on they had many grand adventures which included but were not limited to:

singing their aching, little hearts out
taking shots (vodka/water)
bawling their eyes out in goodbyes–in America, in Ukraine, in Bulgaria, in Hungary, in Poland, in ocean waves, etc (like Nevada, weird).

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a lot of not sleeping
rocking out in a gasping car
praying a lot of things
eating a lot of things. a lot.
sending a lot of emojis
writing a lot of messages, especially during sleeping hours
working on weird projects, especially on deadlines and with ink poisoning…

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feeling lost
feeling like dancing an Irish jig. also, conquering the world, sin, death, the devil.
watching all the dreams puddle around their feet
knowing everything was going to be okay

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knowing more and more that their Father was with them. With us. Each of us. And life was beautiful. Broken, broken…terrifying, wretched, miserable, and, most of all, wonderful.

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Recently, 19 days ago, one of this extraordinary friends got married. I didn’t think I would feel this way, but it was the best day.

I am humbled by her grace, her love, her bravery, her trust in a powerful, faithful God. Not just as she joyfully became a new version of her beautiful self, but in all the other days too.

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I know I only see my little world, but I think it is very few people who are given the deep, overwhelming gift of friendships like these.

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I recently read a blog warning against overly close female friendships. The point may have been a good one: don’t let others define your identity, don’t be crippled in your life by ties, don’t lose sight of God.

But this hardly seems the problem. These seem like cheap friendships, not close ones.

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A solid friend will affect your choices–they should. I am not a free moving entity. I have a lot of wayward moments. I have a lot of bad ideas. I am rough and red and grumpy all over.

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As much as I whine and hide and flail, living with people is good. Sweating alongside others in friendships is good.

I know I have a probably unhealthy phobia to the word “balance,” but why would we say friendships should not be this and that and this? That you must be careful to keep close rein on them?…in essence, don’t let them change you up too much. Be you. Stay focused.

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By all means, be you. Be the saved and beautiful one God calls you. Be focused. Eyes on Jesus.

But this doesn’t come from making sure other things in your life stay in certain okay perimeters. Doesn’t it come from dedicating all things to Christ? From loving and dying and living with Him as our energy and strength? From laboring to make those things, all things and relationships in our life the tiniest bit worthy, sanctified to dedicate to such a Savior?

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This is definitely the scarier route. For me, anyways.

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People hurt you. People mess with your heart. They expose new things to and about your soul. People are uncomfortable.

People make me very uncomfortable.

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Friends make me cry. In all the hardest, but also best ways.

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Comrades make me face myself, and all the icky slitheryness still trying to be part of me. Comrades send me memes telling me to buck up. Comrades make me flash cards when I’m scared and send me anchor drawings and passages of Scripture I don’t understand but need to cling to with all my might.

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Comrades wake me up in the middle of the night to pray with me. Comrades listen to me tell stories about goats that died in my arms when I was a tender youth.

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Comrades tell me separation, death is not natural.

Comrades remind me of what God calls me. And others.

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(Some comrades get me superheroes I don’t know and glue them to my dash. And, yes, this too makes me a better person.)

Comrades hammer me with the Psalms and buy me packs of frozen peas to soothe my broken chin (and/or heart).

 

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Photo cred to Miwaza

God can work in whatever way He wants, but He promised to work through His Spirit and His Spirit is in people that walk around me, pour into me, exhort me to pour myself out.

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There are a thousand ways that the Spirit strengthens us, is with us, grows our faith, but one that I’ve never been able to doubt is how it keeps us from being orphans. In the physical way. There is nowhere I can go where I do not have home.

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God has never put me in a place where someone couldn’t remind me of who I am–wasn’t there to reflect His glory back at me. It’s inescapable even being a reclusive introvert with a book in a tiny airplane!

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Can’t the problem be that our friendships are too shabby, not that they’re too grand?

Yes, I’m partial to the concepts of brotherhood, and comrade has some pretty rotten connotations itself, perhaps…

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But a comrade or brother is not facing me, they are not meeting my needs… Although they may in a certain sense. Catching bullets can be a big need sometimes and people have done it for me in a variety of ways. But it involves trenches and shovels and sleepless nights and days of rain and eating hardtack. At least it did when I played soldier as a kid, and it’s seemed to play out in a similar way in recent years. There is time and meaning to eating smoothies and making memes in the trench, to facing each other and discussing war paint, but it’s not the reason you’re in the same trench.

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Whenever I think, “that sounds like something that is too much,” I want to examine it. Is it too much, or is it simply the wrong direction? Am I just scared and want to keep the world at arms length? These are my problems, definitely not loving too hard or giving too freely.

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I have never loved too much.

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For my easily tired heart, I need people to light fires around and under me showing me what to do, not where to scale back.

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I wish I believed and acted on this stuff. What an incomprehensible gift to have others hold me to it, also hold my hand, my suitcase, my beef gelatin hot chocolate, sometimes my heart that’s trying to get away.

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These extraordinary blessings of comradeship are not limited to the pierogi sisters (we Seeds Three). There are bodies and souls from all over that have challenged, tossed, loved, sweetened, revolutionized my life. Brothers and sisters who have truly shown me what it means to lay one’s life down for their friend.

 

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Is it idealistic, or is there always another option besides a balancing act? What does balance mean when it comes to following Jesus? Is balance really part of the picture?

Is it okay to talk about allegiance? Your First Love? Your reason and energy for all these things that have been added unto us?

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I kind of want to go read some Lewis. I feel like he said some of this and so much more, so perfectly.

…but I still feel like there is even more.

 

The Broken Bones

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photo cred to Miwaza

I forgot that in what I have done,
you suffer.
To your burden
a rock is added
and in my unrepentance,
I fasten the buckle.

Quietly,
I thought,
alone,
forsaking love
I have transgressed both the commandments.

And, in both of us,
Christ betrayed.

and surely into another year.

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By kindly powers surrounded, peaceful and true,
wonderfully protected with consolation dear,
safely, I dwell with you this whole day through,
and surely into another year.

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Though from the old our hearts are still in pain,
while evil days oppress with burdens still,
Lord, give to our frightened souls again,
salvation and thy promises fulfill.

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And shouldst thou offer us the bitter cup, resembling
sorrow, filled to the brim and overflowing,
we will receive it thankfully, without trembling,
from thy hand, so good and ever-loving.

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But if it be thy will again to give
joy of this world and bright sunshine,
then in our minds we will past times relive
and all our days be wholly thine.

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Let candles burn, both warm and bright,
which to our darkness thou has brought,
and, if that can be, bring us together in the light,
thy light shines in the night unsought.
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When we are wrapped in silence most profound,
may we hear that song most fully raised
from all the unseen world that lies around
and thou art by all thy children praised.

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By kindly powers protected wonderfully,
confident, we wait for come what may.
Night and morning, God is by us, faithfully
and surely at each new born day.
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer, 1944

wp-1483506062752.jpgAnd now more poetry/a meditation with random pictures… this time just bad, disjointed, self-written… Prepare yourself.

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Another year past.

Did I doubt Your grace?

How could I when you would not let me grieve,
overwhelmed,
drowning in the contradictions of your
blessings.

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How I wish I could cry without laughing,
curse you, without clinging to you,
run without finding you my destination.

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I ache to fall to pieces
and, I think, to be forsaken.
And again You bind these fragments
and reiterate them to Yourself.

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Grace.
I did not doubt it.
I did not want it.

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Jesus loves me
this I know
for His song,
my brother,
the Savior
showed me so.

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I have been weak.
He has been here.

-me, Imperfect thoughts on Thanksgiving 2016

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If you did not receive a family Christmas letter this year, it was not because we didn’t wish to send one. It was because none of the drafts ever saw the light of day.

If you are part of my and/or our family’s life, thank you. It’s cliche and probably true every year, but 2016 was intense…in all the ways that hurt, but also in God’s grace. Which also hurt, but was beautiful and good and continues to open up the world and our hearts and makes every moment greater… Every breath more Life than we imagined. Life foreign to ourselves. This Life that knocks you on your knees and makes your eyes water and everything okay. Beyond understanding.

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow. Praise God that you are a blessing in our lives.

Happy New Year.

An Ode to My Neighbor in my Sickness

To sick people and not sick people everywhere, and particularly to some.

If I try to run away,
it is from myself.

You ask me how I am feeling,
I wish you wouldn’t.
It is the same as yesterday
and the day before.
Although it might not be,
I suppose. It’s hard to remember pain,
it is always the worst when you are feeling it.
Which is why someday everything will be okay.

I wish, for one day, you would act like I was normal
and could climb mountains
and drink coffee
and talk about having money.

How do you just sit there
and forget that I am in pain.
Can’t you sympathize?
Can’t you ask me how I am?
To climb out of bed was like climbing Everest.

You think I don’t know what living is like
but I do.
Because much of life is dying
dying dreams
dying suns
dying teeth
decay. I know about it.
Why don’t you tell me about the rest?

I am a normal person
with normal hopes and dreams.

Frustrated.
Can’t hold more than one thought at a time.
multitask no

It is so exhausting
The normal things
I spend 15 minutes willing myself to go brush my teeth
It took this whole donut that will make me throw up later
to smile through church.
I close my door
and there are so many things to do
I want to write you and ask how your baby is growing
I want to catch up on work to pay bills
I want to read to train my mind
I want to change the world.
I lay down
and I cry
because I am not strong enough
Not my body–
my mind.
I know I could do it.
It would be hard
But I could
And so I hate myself.

Please understand that I love you
I am just thinking about my pancreas
and I am very selfish.

I don’t know what I want.
Less what you can do.
I wish you would help me figure that out.
But quit asking questions.

You pity me.
You seem to think my life would be so much better
if it wasn’t this way
But I wouldn’t be me.
If there hadn’t been all the ways before that you wish to eliminate. Would I?
How could I let go of everything?
(But sure, if you’re offering your life, I’ll take it.)

Home is not a place.
Not where the heart is.
It is where the PJs are
and the pillow that lets you cry into it without either of you trying to be the strong one.
And people who at least know not to expect too much out of you
and know that you are okay sometimes.

When you try to cheer me up,
I feel like you’re not taking this situation seriously.
When you help me wallow in self-pity
and half-gallons of ice cream,
I feel like I will never be anything but what I am
And you don’t care I am failing.

Would you tell your best friend,
after her husband has left her,
to try essential oils?
I appreciate the detective work,
I wish my doctor would try it.
But could you, for a moment,
acknowledge the grief?

I can’t imagine anyone more faithful than you
more understanding
more loving
more dogged.
I have not put up with me.
You have.

Just keep loving me please.
And tell me to buck up sometimes.
And sometimes to lay down.
Tea helps.
Hugs without squeezing sometimes.
Forgiveness all the time.

Help me to learn…
Find my west.

Sometimes when I need it
on a foggy day
put a compass back in my hands.
Don’t tell me what I must feel like
or ask how I am doing
or say everything is going to be okay
just show me where the sun sets
and remind me that the race will end

Give me Jesus.
Give me an always want for Jesus.
That never gets sick.


And from Real Poets: 

People are crazy and times are strange
I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range
I used to care, but things have changed.
-Bob Dylan

Long and Wasted Years
-Bob Dylan

Ultimately this Hymn to God, my God in my Sickness
-John Donne